Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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