currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
