I heard we made out
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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