i just wanna soil my oats bro
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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