I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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