I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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