I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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