If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
