Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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