did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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