: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
