there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I touched a dick in church today
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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