Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
