We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
