i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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