My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
