I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
