did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
