Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
