I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
