well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
