someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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