I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
