he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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