i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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