Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize