dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
