Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
