How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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