Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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