I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
