If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
