I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
