"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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