I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
