if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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