I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
