so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
