Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We need to rekindle our bromance
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
