I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
