just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize