don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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