i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
