You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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