Where did you get a picture of my penis
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
