I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
