shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
