Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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