Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
