I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
