I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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