literally had 100 drinks last night.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
