Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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