well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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