She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
