I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
