porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
