i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
