Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
