Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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