Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
