Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
