I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize