I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
