finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize