A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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