Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
