she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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