He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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