why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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