I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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